Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
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me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears