Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
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Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
i’m still crying at this
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.