Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
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Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.