An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
You Might Also Like
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.