People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
paddle faster i hear baby shark
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one