I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.