I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
You Might Also Like
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*