HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
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Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
that lip filler tho
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast