At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
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I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
consequences, the bane of my existence
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020