I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
You Might Also Like
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.