[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
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ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Happy birthday to all the women
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.