“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day