How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
You Might Also Like
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
presenting your incognito window wrapped
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?