Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
You Might Also Like
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.