Banderslack Clamberdorch
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Admin smashed it 😂
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”