I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
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BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus