2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
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It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.