You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
You Might Also Like
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
March 16
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋