Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
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How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
They grow up so quick
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”