I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.