Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
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ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.