Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
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eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
liiiiiiiiike
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.