Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
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did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.