PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
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I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
good morning
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old