gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
You Might Also Like
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
S M O L
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
#math
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.