*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
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I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
This is me
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Found my door mat
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!