Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
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6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy