If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
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Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Nomnomnomnom
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
This woman is my idol. Free her.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?