Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
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My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Hero horse inspires millions
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?