Whisper out to librarians!
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Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
moms in horror movies
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.