My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.