Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
You Might Also Like
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?