her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
You Might Also Like
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.