There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family