Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
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Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.