The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
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(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.