ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
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WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself