Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
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Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Nothing.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”