[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
You Might Also Like
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare