ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
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According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Mouse
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
he looks great for his age
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.