The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
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Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Who does Amazon think I am?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.