In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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Speak now or ever hold your peace
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.