“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
You Might Also Like
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.