If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
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Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.