“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
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As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.