I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.