When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
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a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
good let them take over I have had enough
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Meowchelangelo
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended