Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
You Might Also Like
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL