Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
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[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
That’s classic.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.