I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
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Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back